Here's the long awaited long post from Steven. I figured I might as well write this 4 in the morning...it's not like I have any better time to do so, with stuff going on these days.

Not going to talk about school/exams - hellishly busy - expected. Not going to talk about work search - horribly behind - expected. Not going to talk about extracurriculars - overwhelming - expected.

No, let's talk about music. I've been thinking about writing this for quite some time. Random, I suppose.

So it's interesting how music plays quite a bit into my life - and it can't be more true with -poke- and mackenzie in general - the subtle undertones are all too glaring. however, I kept dancing around this issue (pardon the pun), so I just feel like finally putting down a written record, no matter how botched that record might be. Again, it's not meant to be a diagnosis...it's merely a list of symptoms for my records. I leave those judgements up to you.

So I was your regular stupid kid - I started off listening to pop stuff from Britney Spears and Backstreet boys in grade 4. Cool kids in the class were doing it. Then I remember O-Town, Liquid dreams came around. Then the Napster phenomenon. I remember getting ecstatic over downloading songs at 10kb/s over the internet...for free! and they weren't even lame songs...my cool classmates were listening to them! Only now do I realize how sexually innuenduous my childhood songs have been - absolutely hilarious. Oh well, weren't fairy tales similar in that regard? full of sex and violence.

I believe Kazaa came up next, and hence came a lot of downloading at ridiculously slow speeds. I didn't know - I was having a good time. I am pretty sure Eminem came up during this time too - it was pretty addictive, given how I was at the stage of puberty at that time. Crude humour, angst at isolation, an naive sort of cynicism at authority, a lack of fatherly figure, a disdain/sexual hunger of women, coming from an overbearing ego - trademarks of an important stage in my life. Marks suffered - I was failing English, failing French - failing to communicate with my superiors and peers, essentially.

Adolescent rap translated into mainstream hip-hop in grade 8, when I moved from scarborough to north york (long story, not relevent) 50 cent, g-unit, sean paul, snoop dogg, Chingy...very swagger-y. sexually charged. clever, but not very intelligent. upbeat abt the present - lots of bling involved. again...i guess because friends listened to them. Good fun. represented a period where I was enthusiastic about what I can do (like the rappers themselves...again...huge egos. haha). Clearly worked in a bizarre way, because I ended up getting into the prestigious William Lyon Mackenzie Collegiate Institute, coming from an impoverished school for dejected youth of all ages, Avondale. Good stuff. However, another important artist introduced was Linkin Park, which will become very important later on.

Linkin park was the perfect segue from rap/hiphop into rock, which became a staple of a majority of my late junior high/early high school years. for those of you who don't know, Linkin park was the epitome of nu metal and raprock, a fusion genre of 2 very different styles. It was pretty much the first band I've heard to have such a strong connection between melodic harmony with lyrical relevance. and now I've realized how much lyrics affected me (and unfortunately it still does) - I was always fixated on the 'message' - a clear example being "In the End" especially. similarly, Eminem played a similar role in my earlier years. Anyhow, Hybrid Theory and Meteora became the defining albums of those years, and in came rock: Hoobastank, Maroon5, Evanescence, Good Charlotte, Yellowcard, Switchfoot. With those bands, with those lyrics, came a sense of defeat. A sense of diminishing returns. A sense that maybe I don't have what it takes. however, by channeling the definition of myself through these vapid interpretations, i became progressively better (if i say so myself) on applying this channeling to my overall communication ability. a litmus test for this? english marks. Call this the emo stage if you will. the fixation on the message and its interpretation within media - by mastering control of the interpretation of message, you face that trade off where the interpretation of message controls you - how you felt, how you thought. Good or bad, it seemed that my grade 10-11 years were awfully concentrated on not only a lack of ego and self-optimism, but also a pretentious attitude I took on in interpreting others. Let's just say I ran into some trouble with that, haha.

And came grade 10 summer. the godsend summer. I just came out of a useless summer course (sorry william - making our own card game wasn't exactly that productive), and i applied for garbage job at cne w/ liz and ray. It was at that time that Ray handed me his uber-dvd music library. I'm not going to sugarcoat this - Ray became a critical component of my lifetime intellectual development from that moment on - don't tell him that tho, haha. This is where I got introduced to the umbrella genre EDM - electronic dance music. and this is the part I want to explain the most.

So by now you guys are probably rolling your eyes...EDM - bullshit music. even more bullshit than the most garbage pop music. garbage lyrics. repetitive beats. runs on forever. just like bollywood music, but even shittier (jk Mayur :P)

Which is partly true - I also thought it as such when I first heard just your regular eurodance - subpar pop lyrics + beats that were crappier than 50 cents' - what is there to like? the more hardcore 1's i heard were old school acid techno...just a bunch of fucked up beats on a synthetic drum..nauseating.

Then I listened to my first real trance - Paul van Dyk - "Nothing but You" - absolutely changed my life from there. Nothing was said. there was no message to interpret. there was nothing to know, but everything was right. there were pictures, there was video - there was a lovely couple finding each other - but that didn't matter either. I felt music through the chill of my spine for the first time.

for a brief, dashing moment, my life made perfect sense. Even though none of it did. And hence began my transition from lyrical fixation, onto melodic fixation. I think I finally understood what music was from that point. And mentally, philosophically, ideologically, this moved me to the current stage. I believe the technical word is called existentialism, but quite frankly, I don't care what it's called. none of that is relevant anyways. When people were laughing off the concept of doublethink, I can only smile inside - guilty as charged. Beauty and sadness, triumph and defeat, touching and aloof - this has all meshed into my existence so seamlessly. a life where the tiniest layers, the smallest details, flow into one grand finale, one fluid body of pure apocalyptic beauty. It's almost like life, miniaturized. for a moment, it'll all make sense.

So i hope this somewhat explains my periods of uber-uploads of EDM music...I realize you guys are probably not into that kind of stuff anyways. But this might explain why I can't resist putting the music on...my mind won't allow it. But this was not instantaneous musical transition - trance is unfortunately somewhat of an acquired taste - there were a lot of overlaps that make my story somewhat inconsistent - but I still feel like I need to keep a record, because music has been shockingly instrumental into developing me into who I am today, the more I think about it. I've been listening to trance for 4 years now, which probably the longest I've stayed in a genre. So a lot of solidification during that time.

I don't know where I'll go for here. Perhaps jazz? opera? I realize I'm getting more conservative in nature as I age, so I think my music choice will start reflecting that.

quick update: a song, just for fun. it's pretty good.
Late Night Alumni - Another Chance [Kaskade's Homage to Roger]