So apparently I have an affinity for writing blogs in the wee hours in the morning. Let's see, what to write about (this piece of work was patched a few days ago, finished just now):

So I've been trekking through this life for what, almost 20 years? There are some points I've found out about myself:

1. I'm horrible with remembering things. I can't help it. I thought it was some sort of Freudian controlled memory block, to help me remove the unpleasant child memories (ie. Church abuses). But no, I can't remember the good times either. There are so many good things (eg. childhood, grade 4, grade 8, grade 12) that happened to me that remain as a faint sense of happiness. I can barely connect with my past. No names, no events, just a vague sense of emotion, a twisted sense of polarity.
   
2. I don't know what I'm motivated by, or what I want. Case in point: I use "So apparently I..." more often than socially acceptable. Why am I intercutting myself with 'apparently', if I know what I want? I don't. This conclusion comes after I've tried everything to find out my motivators. Is it altruism? Is my higher calling the improved lives of others? A few volunteer hundred hours, and a Lieutenant Governor's award later, I can't say it is. I no longer feel the drive to make that difference in someone's life. Maybe it's the callousness of university/commerce; maybe my own loss of innocence; maybe I'm just not that righteous, but whatever it is, altruism does not define my lifelong goals. Is it the pursuit of knowledge and understanding of grand nature of the universe? After MaCS, after OSCSS, after Shad; in essence, after my entire high school career, I can't say it is. I've seen too many cases of knowledge abused, twisted, and pigeon-holed into irrelevance. I can no longer hold scientists, doctors, mathematicians to the same degree of respect as I had before, simply because knowledge is no longer an untouchable ray of light to me; it is a human construct, subject to the same virtues, vices, and transitoriness of our own humanity. It greed and power my true calling? I thought I'd give it a try - let's go for the most competitive business program in Canada (sorry, Laurier) that breeds the oligarch class within Canada - the professionals, the business leaders, the human networks that drives the economic engine, the 'system' that hippies and anarchists rail against - maybe this is my essence, the one that, when morals are not considered, is inseparable from myself. But after 2 years of this competition, I can't say it is. I may be at the near top, stepping my foot down upon hundreds of hopeful future leaders, but there is always this sense of lethargy about me. I don't care for power, nor money. Especially not of others, nor over others. I observe at some of my fellow classmates and it's just not rubbing off.  I cannot emulate something I can't even look up to, and they're complete failures, in my opinion. By deduction, I guess the only possible motivation left is love and family? Perhaps I am a romantic, albeit an supremely awkward and inexperienced one? As only 20 years have passed, even I am not that ignorant to dismiss this reasoning outright. We might have to see after Spain, haha. Or after I'm 30. Or 40. Or 50. It could be the one. The only reservation I have is that if I did truly love someone, would I really put them through 20, 30 years of marriage? How patently unfair would it be to put through future children of any sort of father figure such as me? LOL, but the last point is pointless. The key to all this rambling is that I don't really have anything to motivate me. Onto point 3.
   
3. I cannot bring myself to confront my strengths and weaknesses. I have a vague sense of what they are, but I can't bring myself to communicate it, to deal with it, to leverage it, to mitigate it.  So we've seen all these accomplishments that I've had - I don't have to brag them out to you, and neither the same back to me. The issue is when I have to draw the personal essence from these accomplishments - they become incoherent, random, and purposeless. So I've done this, this, this. What does that say about me, other than that I'm neurotically piqued in the short term, and relatively lackadaisical in the long term? Back to point 2 and altruism. Even if that did truly motivate me deep down inside, I cannot bring myself to communicate that passionately to other people - I've tried, and failed one too many times to go on those trips to Africa, to Cambodia, etc. All because of a simple interview process. I still have this innate fear of resumes and cover letters - I can never be satisfied with my own self-description.

It seem as if I'm at stone slacker stage in my life, but without the weed element. Haha, no, that's just a bad attempt at a joke - a hyperbole. Maybe I'm just a bad person. A rotten apple, a mistaken creation.

So, now, extrapolate these three conditions into the future, which is not that hard, given how these conditions have been consistent for the past few years. How will I end up anything positive with these traits? I can't remember much about my closest friends if I get out of touch with them for a while, I don't know what's best for me in a career, in a family, in anything in life. And even if I did, I can't pull myself up by the bootstraps to achieve that because I can't leverage my strengths, nor address my weaknesses sufficiently. Is this a template for anything positive?

But, now, interpolate that to now, given how these conditions have been persistent for the past few years. If those three conditions were consistent, it does seem almost like a miracle that I am where I am today. Yes, despite of all, I consider myself in a very enviable position right now. I've got a lot of opportunities, regardless of whether I capitalize on them or not. I've got a lot of people who've invested their time, money, or hopes into me. How the fuck did this happen? I'm supposed to be down in the gutters right now, given what I've done in the past. What I was, in the past and now. It's cliche to say that a person is a byproduct of nature and nurture. But how did I become who I am today, given, in my opinion, nature was especially weak, and nurture was nowhere near exceptional?

These three points are not cases for me to get emo, as some of you are trigger-happy to recommend. Thank you, I assure you I'm not. I'm just curious, especially by the last little interpolation. How did I get to where I am, when I am intrinsically so...I don't want to say flawed...but...choked? I don't know - perhaps my last statement in the previous paragraph was hopeless naive - maybe I've overlooked something in my developmental stage - something extraordinary yet subversive.

Just some things to consider over the break. Yes, Gladwell's Outliers inspired me to write this. I still think he's a snake oil peddler, though. Absolute garbage.

P.S. The church abuse thing was also a joke. :)