Pulling myself back by the bootstraps

I don't know what is it about emo-ness. It strangely works on me.

I've been quiet a bit on all fronts lately. Unfortunately, this is probably due to a significant down period in my life. I've consciously tried to handle this on my own without the self-serving bitching that came during the high school years.

Epic fail.

I've found myself sinking deeper and deeper into this rabbit hole. Lying to both myself and others more than I'm usually comfortable with. Which is saying quite a bit.

Depression is not an appetizing dish served alone. But that's often the meal you get. I'm not sure if any of you have experienced it before, but to me it felt like a cancer slowly eating me up from inside. I fret about each night, a sense of panic and helplessness washing over my better half as I wander aimlessly in insomnia. Stupid thoughts, thoughts that I would never consciously allow in my better days, freakishly drift into my senses. Every day seems like a nightmare. And every night it just seems like I've about to start another one.

But in this brief moment of level-headedness, I'm trying to chart a course back.

So this is a bit of a confession. I'm not going to delve into the details right now, because I still can't deal with the shame head-on. But taking back your life has to start somewhere, so I'll start by writing this blog post to my closest confidantes. So unfortunately, there won't be any chippy, worldly analysis from this prick anytime soon. This is a battle that has to be won in small, mundane steps, and a blog post that hardly anyone ever reads probably counts as one of them. But there will be more to come. No more escapism in any form. No more denial. No more irresponsibility.

Comments are probably not necessary. But you can wish me luck. =)